A Healthy Marriage
Prior to marriage each must ask, what does marriage mean to me. Each must define their own expectations. Of course expectations are destructive and toxic, but everyone has them anyway. Trust must be the core foundation of any relationship especially marriage. Each must realize they are not required to make the other happy, no one can make someone else be anything. Each has to be whole on their own accord which will overflow towards the other in the relationship. Each being happy and satiated on their own accord will make the other happy and a healthy relationship. Not every Marriage can work. It is not always the one or both in the Marriage who are to blame. The number one reason a marriage does not work, is because it never had a chance to begin with. There are three core fundamentals which will allow a Marriage to last and be good. The first is, shared Core Values. The second is, respect for each other. The third is, a commitment to the Marriage.
Values
Values are the things one holds dear, close to the Heart. The things that one aspires to. That which one is proud to look back on later in life. It can be religion, achievements or anything in that vein. Once established that both parties share the same values, it essentially voids or diminishes any disagreements. The arguing becomes about the approach and completely steers away from what is the desired outcome. It is very easy to resolve disagreements, when it is a matter of logistics about how to achieve the same desired outcome. Alternatively disagreements over what is the desired outcome, can be very disruptive with no agreeable outcome.
Respect
Respect for each other is imperative. It is also a conscious choice one must make. It has been said respect must be earned. That is true on some level but not with Marriage. A commitment to respect each other must come first before anything else. If one waits to see if their spouse is worth respecting, they will discover that the answer will always be no. People always disappoint each other, it is inevitable. especially in a Marriage where two people come together as one and are with each other all the time. If your spouse has to earn your respect, they will not be able to because there will always be a let down of some kind. So it is imperative that respect comes first and unconditionally.
Commitment
When we marry we are all excited, wrapped up in the enthusiasm of it all. We will say anything and believe practically anything initially. The commitment to Marriage does not really exist on a conscious level. It is simply something being done. Commitment however, is a whole other level to Marriage. If both are committed first to the Idea of Marriage independent of to whom they are married, that is the first step. Once a Spouse is found and married to; the commitment is stronger because the commitment came before the who. In other words, it is a commitment to the idea of Marriage not to the person. Once commitment is made, there is a stronger bond and force that helps one to be motivated to stay in the Marriage. Without the commitment, it is very easy to be annoyed and look for a way out.
Arguing
Arguing is healthy is any relationship. It allows each to express themselves, it must be done in a respectful loving way however. Arguing about he laundry or the garbage is petty however, such arguing should be avoided. Healthy arguing is about how to achieve shared goals, mutual desired outcomes. Couples who are scared to express themselves bottle everything up and then explode over nothing which is usually unrelated to their real issue. If one gets the other very upset by doing something offensive or violating the other in some way, the proper response is to do nothing at all. If there is a response to such behavior, it will escalate and become unmanageable especially over time and multiple episodes.
The proper thing to do is nothing, wait ten minutes or so, something good will happen then the violation will be completely forgotten and you will be back in infatuation all over again.
One who feels alone or unheard in the relationship, needs to seek counsel. it will not be resolved through tactics of any kind. All petty arguing is essentially each screaming to the other "I DO EXSIST". This occurs when one or each does not acknowledge the other specifically or generally. Showing each other respect will alleviate this to some degree. If toxic arguing or either feel unsafe persists, counsel must be sought out immediately. It may also be required to separate if such feelings exist.
By Mendel Tornek